Celticangel.org

image copyright…me. Heck. It’s even my hand.

My birthday is on Saturday…and now you know one of the reasons that I love October. But it has really gotten me to thinking. Or rather overthinking, which many of you know is something I am very prone to.
(the rest of this depressing train of thought is below the cut)

On the one hand I’ve made it through another year. A year that included a couple of falls on the stairs (the first one might have been slightly longer than a year ago); the death of my father in law, my Spock-beast, and also a cat belonging to my friend that I loved very much; dealing with a major issue at work that resulted in someone getting fired; and a car accident. Another year in which I have not managed to get pregnant. To balance out this depressing list, this year I have also gained a Frisbee-cat (for now, anyway), begun hunting for sea glass (quite the absorbing little hobby I must say), taken some decent photographs, found a church that I like, made some serious progress at work, and taken a trip to Monterey. (I’m sure there must be other fun things that I’ve done, but that’s all I can think of right now.)

All in all, I can’t help but reflect that the only thing I want in this world is a baby. Every day at work I interact with all manner of children and their parents, some of whom don’t seem to realize the little miracles that they’ve been blessed with. Mostly I’m fine, but then there are days like today when the desperation gets on my nerves. Not that I have great nerves to start with. Sheesh.

I wish that I didn’t want a child so badly. It’s a big pain. After nearly five years of trying I’m getting a bit mental about the whole thing. I’m tired of people asking me if I’m have/going to have kids. Really, I’m tired of having to be calm and nice when I try to explain to people who sincerely want to know.

I want to shout and hit things. But, as I learned in high school, hitting things only gets you a painful hand.

I just want to be a Mum. That is all. It’s all I can see. All I’ve wanted for so long that on some level I’m not sure what to do with myself in its absence. (And I’m kind of afraid that my husband will stress himself into an early grave. Apart from the obvious, that wouldn’t help out our goal very much either.)

…And wow this post is becoming depressing. Sorry about that. Maybe I’ll get myself a massage for my birthday. I could use some relaxation, apparently. I’ll go and write a funny post now.